It is a sunny morning here in Bristol as I write and I can hear seagulls – one of the lovely sounds (along with church bells) which I often hear when I’m in my garret (ie tiny flat stuffed full of books high up at the top of Georgian terraced house in the centre of town.) My heart feels very open and tender this morning after an unusually engaged meditation. I’ve been reading Will Johnson’s books on body awareness in meditation and his image of being in touch with the whole body in meditation as “a unified field of tactile sensation” really inspires me. Likewise his way of expressing “full body, empty mind”… the fact that if one is fully aware of one’s body, mental proliferation becomes impossible.

I’ve an ongoing thread of reflection going back to my ordination about the dichotomy (or dialectic, ok Simhanada!) in my name. Vijayasri translated it to me as “ she who is true and playful” – definitely the two parts, not “truthful play” or “ playful truth” (both of which I find oddly painful to hear – it somehow diminishes both). When we were at Akasavana last summer, Subhadramati led us in a wonderful reflection/ritual based on the Gosinga Sala-Tree Wood sutta and one of the things that emerged for me from that was a strong sense of “the still point and the dance” (of Eliot’s “Four Quartets”). It’s too subtle to pin down completely, but “satya” as still point and “lila” as dance fascinates me. I’ve reflected on this in relation the image of Vajrasattva: the“hum” (seed syllable) at his heart is like the still point and the encircling mantra as the dance. (Cf Vessantara, “Meeting the Buddhas” p 233) I guess playing with (and, to a certain extent, being guided by) images (and poems) is a significant part of how I practise. Last year, the image of the sun aligning with a series of standing-stones and illuminating a dark chamber was a decisive moment in my deciding to resign my job and join the long Akasavana retreat. As if the sun had shone into the depths of my heart and revealed to me what was most deeply important to me there.

Last week, in mitra study, we were discussing adhisthana [“grace waves”] (in the context of the Vimalakirti Nirdesa series) and the extent to which we experience and are sustained by this – particularly in doing things which are difficult. Earlier in the week, I’d had an image that I felt not so much like a “rolling stone” (as in “gathering no moss”) but more like a bouncing one! I realised that my decision to go on the long retreat had set off a “cycle of bounces” which is not yet complete (and maybe it never will be…). In practical terms, what this means is that I’ve decided not to stay on as “Manager” of Bristol Evolution beyond my 6-month trial, which ends in a couple of weeks. A part of me longs to “settle” to something and I have plenty of inner critics and judges berating me for all the chopping and changing I’ve done in recent years. However, I was deeply affected by the talk Mumukshu gave at the National Order Weekend at the start of December when she talked about her experience of freedom coming from “tying herself to where her heart is”. It really made me think.

What I’m going on to do is to spend 5 months as Acting Administrator at the Bristol Buddhist Centre, covering for Danus Blanchard and Chris Zak, who’re both off to be ordained (Sadhu to them both and also to Julia Simnett, who’s also going.) Come August I’ll still be employed 2-days per week, but will need to be job-hunting again as I can’t afford to live on this. And so, the stone will bounce again……