For about ten years I’d been wanting to take part in a long retreat – six weeks or 3 months. I think it was a part of my profound curiosity about how much it is possible for one’s mind, one’s way of experiencing the world to change through spiritual practice if one puts oneself wholeheartedly into conducive conditions.. And I’d always been attracted to quite “full on” ways of practising. In 1996-7 I left my partner, home, mortgage and career to go and live and work with a group of friends running a Buddhist Wholefood Shop in Croydon. It often wasn’t easy, but it certainly gave me a taste for how different my experience of myself – and life – could be in supportive conditions for practice.

I’d always thought my opportunity for a long retreat would come with ordination. For quite a few years, around the time I was hoping to be ordained, there were 7 week ordination retreats held in Tuscany, in an old monastery called Il Convento. However, it didn’t work out like that. When I received my invitation to be ordained in 2005, the Tuscany retreats had just come to and end and our new women’s ordination retreat centre in the mountains of Spain was not yet operational. So my ordination retreat was 2 weeks at Tiratanaloka in the Brecon Beacons. There were many great things about that – not least, being ordained alongside my lovely friend Kamalamani, with (whom I’m now in a Chapter) and being able to have lots of friends and family there. But it wasn’t the long retreat I was still yearning for.

My Private Preceptor (ie the person who ordained me) was Vijayasri and she spent 3 years in Spain working on the building project at the new retreat Centre. Not infrequently did I fantasize about bveing able to take part in the first retreat there – but it was be an ordination retreat, and when it was finally scheduled for April – July 2007, I was already ordained! I harboured a bit of a fantasy about sneaking onto the retreat as a stow-away and even emailed Ratnadharini (the Retreat Leader and my Public Preceptor) to say this. Not long after, I got an email back from her saying they thought they’d have spare places on the retreat and how great it would be if I could join them.

I spend a week or two after this invitation trying quite hard to be Sensible. Only the year before I’d found a 4-day-a-week job round the corning with a little charity that promotes cycling. I knew that if I decided to go on the retreat I’d need to give up the job. I tried quite hard to encourage myself to practise contentment with the conditions I’d already set up. But the idea wouldn’t go away. One Friday morning (my day off) I woke up and was drinking tea in bed, musing. Suddenly it felt like the alignment of the sun with the entrance of a chamber usually shrouded in darkness. I saw the complete uniqueness of the opportunity I was being offered – three whole months on retreat with two of the most important people in my life…Not just the fulfilment of a long-held dream, but, in the context of my practice – a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Knowing that I can be somewhat impulsive at times, I decided to seek the counsel of my friends, in case I was hurling off into some intoxicated orbit, from which I might make a painful and undignified landing at some point in the future. I thought they might “hold onto my ankles” to stop me floating off on a fantasy, like Winnie-the-Pooh, clutching his balloon… However, I could find no-one who did not think it a good idea. It was decided.

I bought my plane ticket the next day, Saturday and on the Monday resigned my job. I had 5 or 6 weeks in which to sort things out, sublet my flat and accumulate the necessary head torch, mosquito net, notebooks, sun hat and suitable footwear for the adventure. An added bonus to going on the retreat was that the delightful woman formerly-known-as Jo Howes (now Samasuri) was to be ordained on it. We made part of the journey together, arriving at the new retreat centre just ast the kitchen workstops had been fitted and the notice boards screwed to the wall (the latter by Ratnadharini, who was also leading the retreat!).